But what if I don't wanna? What if I want to go back in time like the characters in The Time Traveller's Wife (awesome book by the way!)? Why do I HAVE to enter 2009 at the stroke of midnight tonight? Well cause that's just the way it works...

I am divided on my feelings about 2008. It was a horribly painful year that I wish to forget; but at the same time, I met a lot of great people this year, I got my driver' licence (and drove myself the 312km back and forth to Tim's grave on Dec 16th without incident), and I lived alone for the first time ever. And I survived this year. Sure I went through enough boxes of Kleenex to fill Solider's Field, and stopped counting the nights I actually slept (far and few in between). But in amongst all that pain, suffering and wads of used tissues, emerged me. I still have no freaking idea who she is, but she is here. Bruised, beaten and much thinner, but she is still here. She has not been beat. And I can only believe that Tim has had a hand in pulling me (unwillingly of course) through this year of a million pieces.

So 2009. Everyone makes resolutions to improve themselves. Me not so much. I hate resolutions because its a fake commitment you make to yourself. And then you beat yourself up when you feel like cheating or want to stop the insanity.

For me I have decided to take tiny steps forward, all the while knowing the dance of steps forward and leaps back. So for 2009 I will TRY to do the following:

• Cook meals. For 2008 I think I made one meal. I will try to cook some of our favourites without bursting into tears, and/or try some new things.
• Continue with Yoga. Especially when I feel like its not helping and I suck at it.
• Buy my first car....and drive EVERYWHERE.

So TRY is the key word here. I don't know if I can do these things, but I will try and do them. if its too hard, too painful, or just too much, I will stop and try something else. I have no idea when I am ready to do anything, so I will try and learn. Either I will have been ready, or I will have not.

I think 2009 will be all about trying to see what I am ready for...

The monkeys that is. The first year of firsts is over, and I am now into year two of this (new? different? confusing?) life. And all I know is I am surrounded by those damn monkeys. They are everywhere.

It seems like somehow there was to have been some epiphany on Dec 17th, 2008, where I should have awoke and said "Ahhhh, glad that's now all over. Let me get on with my life!" and POOF, I will return to the old Nancy, and be okay. I would be me again. See those monkeys have fooled some and made fools of them too.

This is the normal Nancy - this is my life - and you can't get over it. The only way to the other side is through it. And I am working through it every day of my life. You cannot live with the love of your life for over 4 years, be with them for 7 years, and in 365 days just be okay with the fact they are gone and will never be a part of your life again. You cannot forget what was supposed to be and you cannot forget what was. You remember, you ache in pain at the loss of it, and you work through getting used to what is now your new existance without them.

It's like losing a limb or a sense. You know its not there. You can see its missing. But you feel that it should be there. At times you can trick yourself into believing it is still there, just hiding. But every day, you are reminded its gone and you have to learn how to live and exist without that piece of you. For you are still living.

And that my friends, is where I am at on this journey. There are no signs on my yellow brick road to tell me I am heading into the right direction. Just bumps, twists, turns, and sometimes bright spots. But it is a journey. One I am not pleased to be forced to take. But I have to. I can't go back - my Kansas is gone. I have to find a new place in Oz to fit in....all the while keeping those pesky flying monkeys off my back.