Beware of Flying Monkeys: birthday

Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts

Back Again....

I know, I've been slacking. I haven't written in this blog for almost 4 months. I've been writting in my journal and working on my book, but for some reason everytime I sat down at my laptop to write HERE I'd break down. And I am so TIRED of breaking down and picking my ass up. You see living with my two furbabies (cats) means no one can pick me up but me. But I do it all the time. Every few days I crumble and piece myself back together strand by strand.

Tomorrow Tim would have been 35. And I was planning a massive surprise party for him. Complete with a Chicago Bears theme, tickets to a game and a week in the Windy City. It would have been the best thing I could have ever done for him in his eyes. But instead, I will visit his grave at sunrise and lay the blue rose I chose as I shed tears for the love of my life and the life that was stolen from us.

I've also been busy the last few months climbing those pesky roadblocks that always seem to be right around the bend. What have I done? Well since you asked I've:

Said goodbye to persons who were not helpful, supportive or understanding of my pain and grief.
Bought a car - well not any car, but "our" first car. His name is Bear, his plate says BearsGrl cause that's what I am, and Tim would have loved it
I drive everywhere and anywhere now - I am planning several roadtrips this summer
The t-shirt quilt in memory of Tim is being designed and should be ready well in time for Autumn when I'll need it on our bed
My memorial tattoo is being designed by one of Tim's friends and I will get inked later this summer
I've been mediation free since the last week of January. 4 months now and NO intention of going back
I am cooking again - not every meal, but a few times a week
My balcony garden is almost ready for Spring/Summer blooming - just a few more annuals to plant

So you can see, I haven't been exactly twittling my thumbs.

But as I said to a friend whose 11 month old son I was holding, wishing he was mine: These are all just distractions. These are things I HAVE to do, not necessarily want to do. I have very little joy that eminates from these things, events, moments. I am not happy and can't remember what that feels like. Sure I have had moments where I am crying tears because I am laughing so hard, but they are far and few between. I am still just existing - I have yet to return to living. I am not sure if I ever will. 17 months is around the corner as is 1 1/2 years. And I feel just as lost as I did on day one.

Happy Birfday.....

I survived the day, and actually enjoyed myself. Minus the migriane headache and bouts of nausea. Not sure what that's all about. But even though I was dreading this day, and what turning 29 was all supposed to be about for me, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Does this mean I am "okay" now - no silly rabbits. I am still processing the last 386 days since he died. It just means I didn't have a shitty day, that I enjoyed people wishing me well, giving me gifts and flowers, treating me to dinners (which by the way not necessary at all, but greatly appreciated!!), and I had an OK day. There is nothing wrong with having an OK day, and having an OK day does not preclude me from having more crappy, depressing, sad, miserable, grief stricken days in the near future. They will come. The bastards are known to come in bouts and clusters as my widow friends know. But, today was not one of them. And I know he is proud of me for actually wanting to enjoy my 'day' and celebrate that I am still alive (no idea why or how) and that I am loved by many, not just him.

Today can't replace the large whole in my heart he took when he died, but it certainly stopped the pain for a few hours.

So thank you...I have 4 more hours of specialness left and I am going to go enjoy them if I can.

xoxo

Almost 29....

And that sounds so wrong to say out loud. I don't really remember being 28 so can it really count as a year gone by? What if I want to stay 28 so I can remember the year? Do I have to turn 29 in 30 minutes just because my birth certificate says so?

Unfortunately the answer is yes. And while I don't remember much of the last 365 days, I do have some happy moments among the many hard and sad ones. I remember the births of so many little babies who joined us and whose lives I have been able to be a part of. I remember watching children who were crawling at this moment last year, start walking and running, and talking, and now talking back. Ah, the joys of 2 year olds. I remember the meeting of new friends, some widows, others who have suffered other losses and getting to know them. I remember the first time I laughed so hard I cried after what felt like eons of time passing. I remember getting my G1, driving school, and then completing and passing my G2 road exam. ( I know....seriously they passed me.) I remember renting my first car.

Most recently, I went through Tim's side of the closet and his dresser. It was time. I finally sorted through his clothing and decided what I would keep, what I would save for special people, and what I would donate to charity. I know he would want his belongings to go to the homeless on the streets of our city. I know he'd want them to be worn this winter. I know exactly where he'd want them to go. So I called the church where his memorial was held last February and discovered they work with Out of the Cold and are in desparate need for clothing. So, that's taken care of, and it was one of the hardest things I've done. To sort through years of memories that I could touch and smell. To remember buying him the sweaters, to recall the events he wore the ties to, to touch the shirts that were just worn by him...I could almost feel him there. And then I found it. The one item that brought me to my knees. The sweater. The one I gave him for Christmas. The one he wore to my 26th birthday dinner. The one that made his eyes sparkle. The one he is wearing in the photo I chose for his funeral memorial card. I could not give away that sweater. Its now on a pillow and I sleep with it. It still smells like him. I can still picture him wearing it. I don't know what I will do with it, but it will always be with me.

I think that was one of the best birthdays I shared with him. It was also one of the last. I have now had two birthdays without him. But he'd want me to have fun. He'd enjoy torturing me about getting older. He'd always make me breakfast on my special day. He'd always surprise me with something I never figured he'd get me. Just being with him was enough of a gift.

So turning 29...not too pleased about it. Not how I figured my life would be. But here I am. And I am lucky enough to have family and friends know how much I miss him and how much I detest this whole grief process. So they have gone out of their way to let me know I am on their minds, that they wish me happiness this year, and that they want to share my birthday with me. Enter R. She took me out to dinner tonight and came all the way to do so. She drove 1.5 hours each way to be with me. She made me laugh. She allowed me to cry. She just let me be me. You see, I haven't known R. very long - about a year & a half. She was his highschool friend. They were good friends and reconnected in 2007. And then he died. And she held my hand, gave me her shoulder to lean on, and has been there ever since. I will always be grateful to Tim for having her as a friend and cherishing that friendship.

So even though Tim isn't alive and able to hug me and tell me how much he loves me, he has done just that for my birthday this year. She was his gift to me this year. She was exactly what I needed tonight. He always knew exactly what to get me. He was just that kind of a guy.

Someone once wrote "true love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending" and they were so right. Love will always shine through even against all odds. Always.