But what if I don't wanna? What if I want to go back in time like the characters in The Time Traveller's Wife (awesome book by the way!)? Why do I HAVE to enter 2009 at the stroke of midnight tonight? Well cause that's just the way it works...

I am divided on my feelings about 2008. It was a horribly painful year that I wish to forget; but at the same time, I met a lot of great people this year, I got my driver' licence (and drove myself the 312km back and forth to Tim's grave on Dec 16th without incident), and I lived alone for the first time ever. And I survived this year. Sure I went through enough boxes of Kleenex to fill Solider's Field, and stopped counting the nights I actually slept (far and few in between). But in amongst all that pain, suffering and wads of used tissues, emerged me. I still have no freaking idea who she is, but she is here. Bruised, beaten and much thinner, but she is still here. She has not been beat. And I can only believe that Tim has had a hand in pulling me (unwillingly of course) through this year of a million pieces.

So 2009. Everyone makes resolutions to improve themselves. Me not so much. I hate resolutions because its a fake commitment you make to yourself. And then you beat yourself up when you feel like cheating or want to stop the insanity.

For me I have decided to take tiny steps forward, all the while knowing the dance of steps forward and leaps back. So for 2009 I will TRY to do the following:

• Cook meals. For 2008 I think I made one meal. I will try to cook some of our favourites without bursting into tears, and/or try some new things.
• Continue with Yoga. Especially when I feel like its not helping and I suck at it.
• Buy my first car....and drive EVERYWHERE.

So TRY is the key word here. I don't know if I can do these things, but I will try and do them. if its too hard, too painful, or just too much, I will stop and try something else. I have no idea when I am ready to do anything, so I will try and learn. Either I will have been ready, or I will have not.

I think 2009 will be all about trying to see what I am ready for...