I know, I've been slacking. I haven't written in this blog for almost 4 months. I've been writting in my journal and working on my book, but for some reason everytime I sat down at my laptop to write HERE I'd break down. And I am so TIRED of breaking down and picking my ass up. You see living with my two furbabies (cats) means no one can pick me up but me. But I do it all the time. Every few days I crumble and piece myself back together strand by strand.

Tomorrow Tim would have been 35. And I was planning a massive surprise party for him. Complete with a Chicago Bears theme, tickets to a game and a week in the Windy City. It would have been the best thing I could have ever done for him in his eyes. But instead, I will visit his grave at sunrise and lay the blue rose I chose as I shed tears for the love of my life and the life that was stolen from us.

I've also been busy the last few months climbing those pesky roadblocks that always seem to be right around the bend. What have I done? Well since you asked I've:

• Said goodbye to persons who were not helpful, supportive or understanding of my pain and grief.
• Bought a car - well not any car, but "our" first car. His name is Bear, his plate says BearsGrl cause that's what I am, and Tim would have loved it
• I drive everywhere and anywhere now - I am planning several roadtrips this summer
• The t-shirt quilt in memory of Tim is being designed and should be ready well in time for Autumn when I'll need it on our bed
• My memorial tattoo is being designed by one of Tim's friends and I will get inked later this summer
• I've been mediation free since the last week of January. 4 months now and NO intention of going back
• I am cooking again - not every meal, but a few times a week
• My balcony garden is almost ready for Spring/Summer blooming - just a few more annuals to plant

So you can see, I haven't been exactly twittling my thumbs.

But as I said to a friend whose 11 month old son I was holding, wishing he was mine: These are all just distractions. These are things I HAVE to do, not necessarily want to do. I have very little joy that eminates from these things, events, moments. I am not happy and can't remember what that feels like. Sure I have had moments where I am crying tears because I am laughing so hard, but they are far and few between. I am still just existing - I have yet to return to living. I am not sure if I ever will. 17 months is around the corner as is 1 1/2 years. And I feel just as lost as I did on day one.

I have been writting for over a year now. Most of it has been in private journals...pages and pages of tear stained notes and messages. I don't think I will ever let anyone see those, but I know the will be the source of the book I plan to write on being a young widow living in 2009. Not sure if it will be fictional with some true bits, or a non-fictional account of what I've been through. I'm not there yet. But I do know the main character...me. Whatever route or category I choose to publish in, she will be the centre. The girl I once was, the girl I was destined to be, and the girl who actually emerges as a result.

Many have told me they find my writing insightful, meaningful, truthful, painful, and inspiring. I just write. I don't even think half the time. I just sit and let it all come out, usually with a cup of tea and a box of three-ply tissues on standby. After thousands of used tissues, don't let anyone tell you three-ply is overrated or a luxury. Its a neccessity for vast amounts of tears I have shed in 403 days.

I have a Facebook account with almost 300 contacts, and I have posted a few pieces I have written over the last year there. Some are pure raw emotion. Others are insights into what this journey along the crooked, rocky and sometimes rough yellow brick road has been like. Since not everyone who may read this blog has access to my Facebook account, (nor do I want everyone to have access to my Facebook account), I have included my writings on this webpage. By clicking this link, you will be able to read the writings I have made public outside of this blog.

For those of you who are newly widowed, I hope by reading and experiencing my pain, you will know you are not alone. Even when I am at my lowest points and feel as if the world had isolated me, I know based on the messages I have received about these writings, that I am never really alone.

http://www.slideshare.net/BearsGrl/slideshows

I heard this song a while ago; Josh Groban's Awake. It drove me to tears. I sobbed for hours just listening to the words. I kept thinking of Tim and how it felt like this song was written from my darkest journal moments.

I heard it again today. Again I was brought to a sobbing ball on the floor. Again I ached for him. Again, and again, and again. It hurts. It will always hurt. These are the beautiful lyrics which capture so much of what I have been through.

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
And all my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=AbpGUGIo3ME

I just want the pain to end.....