The monkeys that is. The first year of firsts is over, and I am now into year two of this (new? different? confusing?) life. And all I know is I am surrounded by those damn monkeys. They are everywhere.

It seems like somehow there was to have been some epiphany on Dec 17th, 2008, where I should have awoke and said "Ahhhh, glad that's now all over. Let me get on with my life!" and POOF, I will return to the old Nancy, and be okay. I would be me again. See those monkeys have fooled some and made fools of them too.

This is the normal Nancy - this is my life - and you can't get over it. The only way to the other side is through it. And I am working through it every day of my life. You cannot live with the love of your life for over 4 years, be with them for 7 years, and in 365 days just be okay with the fact they are gone and will never be a part of your life again. You cannot forget what was supposed to be and you cannot forget what was. You remember, you ache in pain at the loss of it, and you work through getting used to what is now your new existance without them.

It's like losing a limb or a sense. You know its not there. You can see its missing. But you feel that it should be there. At times you can trick yourself into believing it is still there, just hiding. But every day, you are reminded its gone and you have to learn how to live and exist without that piece of you. For you are still living.

And that my friends, is where I am at on this journey. There are no signs on my yellow brick road to tell me I am heading into the right direction. Just bumps, twists, turns, and sometimes bright spots. But it is a journey. One I am not pleased to be forced to take. But I have to. I can't go back - my Kansas is gone. I have to find a new place in Oz to fit in....all the while keeping those pesky flying monkeys off my back.