I know, I've been slacking. I haven't written in this blog for almost 4 months. I've been writting in my journal and working on my book, but for some reason everytime I sat down at my laptop to write HERE I'd break down. And I am so TIRED of breaking down and picking my ass up. You see living with my two furbabies (cats) means no one can pick me up but me. But I do it all the time. Every few days I crumble and piece myself back together strand by strand.

Tomorrow Tim would have been 35. And I was planning a massive surprise party for him. Complete with a Chicago Bears theme, tickets to a game and a week in the Windy City. It would have been the best thing I could have ever done for him in his eyes. But instead, I will visit his grave at sunrise and lay the blue rose I chose as I shed tears for the love of my life and the life that was stolen from us.

I've also been busy the last few months climbing those pesky roadblocks that always seem to be right around the bend. What have I done? Well since you asked I've:

• Said goodbye to persons who were not helpful, supportive or understanding of my pain and grief.
• Bought a car - well not any car, but "our" first car. His name is Bear, his plate says BearsGrl cause that's what I am, and Tim would have loved it
• I drive everywhere and anywhere now - I am planning several roadtrips this summer
• The t-shirt quilt in memory of Tim is being designed and should be ready well in time for Autumn when I'll need it on our bed
• My memorial tattoo is being designed by one of Tim's friends and I will get inked later this summer
• I've been mediation free since the last week of January. 4 months now and NO intention of going back
• I am cooking again - not every meal, but a few times a week
• My balcony garden is almost ready for Spring/Summer blooming - just a few more annuals to plant

So you can see, I haven't been exactly twittling my thumbs.

But as I said to a friend whose 11 month old son I was holding, wishing he was mine: These are all just distractions. These are things I HAVE to do, not necessarily want to do. I have very little joy that eminates from these things, events, moments. I am not happy and can't remember what that feels like. Sure I have had moments where I am crying tears because I am laughing so hard, but they are far and few between. I am still just existing - I have yet to return to living. I am not sure if I ever will. 17 months is around the corner as is 1 1/2 years. And I feel just as lost as I did on day one.