I survived the day, and actually enjoyed myself. Minus the migriane headache and bouts of nausea. Not sure what that's all about. But even though I was dreading this day, and what turning 29 was all supposed to be about for me, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Does this mean I am "okay" now - no silly rabbits. I am still processing the last 386 days since he died. It just means I didn't have a shitty day, that I enjoyed people wishing me well, giving me gifts and flowers, treating me to dinners (which by the way not necessary at all, but greatly appreciated!!), and I had an OK day. There is nothing wrong with having an OK day, and having an OK day does not preclude me from having more crappy, depressing, sad, miserable, grief stricken days in the near future. They will come. The bastards are known to come in bouts and clusters as my widow friends know. But, today was not one of them. And I know he is proud of me for actually wanting to enjoy my 'day' and celebrate that I am still alive (no idea why or how) and that I am loved by many, not just him.

Today can't replace the large whole in my heart he took when he died, but it certainly stopped the pain for a few hours.

So thank you...I have 4 more hours of specialness left and I am going to go enjoy them if I can.

xoxo