Well I am still in Oz, and now the flying monkeys have been unleashed. Seems this brick road has more twists and turns than originally believed, and I am not nearly as far along as I thought. Walk with me? We are entering the dark forest...and these monkeys hurt me. Some hurt my feelings, some pick me up and drop me off in very uncomfortable places, and others just like torturing me...


Insomnia

I have been suffering off and on with it for the last year. I went from a girl who could sleep anywhere, anytime, and soundly all night long, to someone who is lucky to get 3-4 hours a night all broken up into 45 minute sections.

I could not sleep last night. I tossed, I turned, I pulled off the blankets, I snuggled under them, I counted sheep, I took a sleeping pill, I watched CNN, and nothing. Nope not even fluttering eyelid. At 4 am I said to hell with this all and was going to "get up" and then I yawned. And my eyes closed gently, and I feel asleep. This time for 3 whole uninterrupted hours. That's progress!
This insomnia bullshit comes and goes in waves like my grief. I think its getting better...one-two nights of crappy sleep versus weeks on end.

Just when you think you are getting used to what is the new normal, bang! Something reminds you that this is far from over and the road ahead is quite long. At least I am not working today so I might be able to pull off a midday nap with the cats. A girl can dream can't she?

*************************************

Ok so no napping and I probably shouldn't have gone through the boxes of pictures sitting in our bedroom. But I miss him and I wanted to see his smiling face, his beautiful blue eyes and get lost in the memories. So crying happens (will I ever be able to look at pictures of us without having a meltdown ever again?) and I manage to pick myself up.


But one picture made me cry the most. It was our photo shoot....we called it our fake engagement shoot. For some oddball reason he wanted us to take portraits. So we did for fun and I can still remember that winter day in December 2003. We'd been together for 1.5 years (officially), he'd given me my promise/engagement ring and we were so giddy in love. We took dozens of pictures, but this one captures the magic that day. For the first time in over a year I can remember the girl in the picture. I can feel what her face says. Its me...I recognize her. I think we gazed like that at each other all day.... this is so unfair. I should have been able to gaze like that at him well into my 80's. I should be able to have my wrinkled old face look at him like that again and again.


I'd give anything for this one day to happen again....anything.

Friday, January 02, 2009 | Labels: , , , , |

 

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About Me

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I had the whole world, the love of my life, and my future, and it all died in my arms on December 16, 2007. I too died that day. What you now see is just an empty shell of the woman I was, and was to be. Am learning to be in the present, while holding on to and protecting my past, and carefully trekking towards an unknown future.