So I went to the local hospital yesterday because they have a walk-in care centre instead of a full emergency room, and my hives were significantly worse than the day before. And I was slapped in the face by everyone who asked me about my husband/boyfriend/partner. I have never felt so aware of the fact I no longer am part of a couple than I did yesterday.

Triage Nurse: So who brought you in today?
Me: No one. I came alone.
TN: Oh, well if you happen to go in before your husband comes, what's his name so we can send him in?
Me: Um. I don't have a husband. He died over a year ago.
TN: Oh I'm sorry. Is anyone coming for you?
Me: Nope. No one even knows I am here.

Doctor: So are you taking an anti-histamine?
Me: Yes I am taking Benadryl but it doesn't seem to be working.
D: Oh you didn't drive yourself here I hope - they can cause drowsiness.
Me: Nope came by bus. No car so we're ok.
D: Well we are going to give you a shot of steriods and send you home with more steriods and we'll also give you a shot of Benadryl.
Me: Mumh, ok. How long do I have to wait to see an effect and then can I go?
D: Well I don't recommend taking the bus. Would you like to use our phone to call your husband?
Me: No thanks I don't have a husband.
D: Well can we call your boyfriend then? Someone has to be able to come get you.
Me: Nope, no boyfriend either. I'm a 29 yr old widow. I guess I'll call my sister to see if she can pick me up.
D: Oh. I'm sorry. Let us know if you need a taxi chit in case no one can get you.
Me: Ok thanks.

I miss that. I miss calling Tim knowing he would be there in the blink of an eye to resuce, save, or help me. I miss knowing that there was one person in the world who always wanted to be by your side taking care of you. I miss having someone hold my hand when I am worried about the rash growing all over me, and telling me it's going to be ok. I miss lying my head on his chest so I could melt away my fears and be safe in his arms. I miss being the couple we were. I miss him so very much. I miss knowing that I always had someone to call. I miss knowing he'd always be there.

Hospitals are lonely places. I know that because of when Tim was sick in 2006 & 2007 and I spent a full week there each time, leaving only for an hour each day to shower. They are not places you want to be alone. But I am alone. Sure there are tons of family and friends around, but there is no one to pick up all the things Tim was for me. There is no one who can replace who he was to me. And as I sat there yesterday, he just kept flooding my mind. As I looked around at all the families and couples (young and old) I became more and more sad with the notion that I am no longer one of these pairs. I don't have another half - he died and took most of me with him. I no longer have a partner in life. I just have me.

Being alone - not sure it is something I will ever get used to. It seems as if the world was made for pairs and I will never understand why mine was taken away so soon. I found in Tim my perfect partner, my life mate, my love, my best friend, and the person I wanted to wake up to every moring until I died.

Why, when I found all that, was it taken away? I will never quite understand.