I have been writting for over a year now. Most of it has been in private journals...pages and pages of tear stained notes and messages. I don't think I will ever let anyone see those, but I know the will be the source of the book I plan to write on being a young widow living in 2009. Not sure if it will be fictional with some true bits, or a non-fictional account of what I've been through. I'm not there yet. But I do know the main character...me. Whatever route or category I choose to publish in, she will be the centre. The girl I once was, the girl I was destined to be, and the girl who actually emerges as a result.

Many have told me they find my writing insightful, meaningful, truthful, painful, and inspiring. I just write. I don't even think half the time. I just sit and let it all come out, usually with a cup of tea and a box of three-ply tissues on standby. After thousands of used tissues, don't let anyone tell you three-ply is overrated or a luxury. Its a neccessity for vast amounts of tears I have shed in 403 days.

I have a Facebook account with almost 300 contacts, and I have posted a few pieces I have written over the last year there. Some are pure raw emotion. Others are insights into what this journey along the crooked, rocky and sometimes rough yellow brick road has been like. Since not everyone who may read this blog has access to my Facebook account, (nor do I want everyone to have access to my Facebook account), I have included my writings on this webpage. By clicking this link, you will be able to read the writings I have made public outside of this blog.

For those of you who are newly widowed, I hope by reading and experiencing my pain, you will know you are not alone. Even when I am at my lowest points and feel as if the world had isolated me, I know based on the messages I have received about these writings, that I am never really alone.

http://www.slideshare.net/BearsGrl/slideshows

I heard this song a while ago; Josh Groban's Awake. It drove me to tears. I sobbed for hours just listening to the words. I kept thinking of Tim and how it felt like this song was written from my darkest journal moments.

I heard it again today. Again I was brought to a sobbing ball on the floor. Again I ached for him. Again, and again, and again. It hurts. It will always hurt. These are the beautiful lyrics which capture so much of what I have been through.

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
And all my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=AbpGUGIo3ME

I just want the pain to end.....

That's the best way to describe the last 13 months. 13 months ago I lay in bed with Tim, lying on his chest as we watched LOST Season 3, and as he ate Bailey's ice cream. He was smiling. He was happy. We were in our flannel pj's on our new fuzzy sheets and we were happy.

Fast forward to tonight. I have been suffering the worst bouts of nausea, have thrown up repeatedly over the last 4 days, have been unable to keep anything down including crackers and toast, I am dehydrated, scared and alone. 13 months. How has this become my life?

I've told my doctor no more anti-depressants. Not because I was worried about the bleeding disorder they made worse, or because I am better ( I am FAR from better, I think I am actually worse). But for 13 months I have been functioning because of these tiny pills and coming off them has been absoute hell. I am already dealing with a body ravaged by a virus that has not only given me the flu, and then a case of hives, as well as this new form of nausea. I am already dealing with what has been the worst month emotionally for me since Tim died. And why should anything be easy for me? Withdrawl from these medcations has been brutal. I am unable to function. I sleep for 15-18 hours a day. I throw up all the time. I sweat and feel hot in -20 degree Celsius weather. I have headaches which feel as if my head is going to expolode. And this is after my doctor has weaned me off them slowly. This is withdrawl done professionally and correctly. I feel like a crack addict who is jonsing for her next hit. I want it all to end. I wish this pain that is ravaging me from the inside out would just end. I wish I was just dead.

But I am not. I am still here. I am trapped in this body and forced to live this life. I have been crying and screaming for him all month long. I wake up in the middle of the night reaching out for him only to realize again for the 400th time he isnt there. I look for him. I ache for him. I need him like no one can imagine. And I am here alone. No one can possibly understand what it feels like to cry, throw up, scream, and be in so much emotional pain every day for 13 months. And this isn't over. My withdrawl will last at least a few more days, maybe weeks. But I will be forever in withdrawl from Tim. I was not weaned off him. He was ripped and taken from me. We were happy and then 12 hours later my world was forever gone. It was replaced with a mind who is confused, a body who is unable to cope, and a soul forever tortured. And this has been the last 13 months.

Some people think because a year has passed I should be over it, over him, and getting on with my life. Amid the spells of throwing up I laugh. What exactly do you think I have been doing the last 13 months. I have been trying to make sense of this new life of mine and am getting through it. I will never get over it. A year.....is not enough to pave over a lifetime of memories we will never have or the years of memories we did. A year, is not enough to repair my heart and soul from being ripped in half. A year is never going to be enough time to get used to a lifetime without Tim. A year is just 12 months of agony to be followed by more pain.

Excuse me...I think I am going to throw up again.

I called the lady who is going to turn the 40 or so t-shirts I have boxed up into a quilt. Anyone who knew Tim will remember his love for a good comfy t-shirt, and he was most comfortable in one. He had work ones, Disney ones, the beer ones (aka free ones), the volunteer event crew ones, and concert/theatre ones from our trips and adventures. He also had one that pre-dated me - his Leahy one. Yes, that is not a typo. A Leahy one. Its tattered, it has holes, its faded, and it will be at the centre of the quilt. I thought I was.ready to have them be carefully crafted into this King sized quilt. I am not so sure anymore. If they get cut up I can't snuggle into them ever again. When I have a meltdown and want to feel his arms around me and get lost in the smell of him I can't. But then again that's the point of the quilt. So I can wherever or whenever I can have him around. I can remember the places we went, the events we got to see, and the amazing times we had spread over our 7 years. Am I ready - no I never will be ready. But I think its time. I meet her next week to talk about patterns, fabrics, and styles. We should have been decorating our house and picking fabrics for our drapes. Nope I am not ready for this. But its here and I have to face it. He is never going to walk in our front door and hold me in his arms. I will have to be content with wrapping his favourite things around me, closing my eyes, and feeling his breath on my neck. Forever.

So I went to the local hospital yesterday because they have a walk-in care centre instead of a full emergency room, and my hives were significantly worse than the day before. And I was slapped in the face by everyone who asked me about my husband/boyfriend/partner. I have never felt so aware of the fact I no longer am part of a couple than I did yesterday.

Triage Nurse: So who brought you in today?
Me: No one. I came alone.
TN: Oh, well if you happen to go in before your husband comes, what's his name so we can send him in?
Me: Um. I don't have a husband. He died over a year ago.
TN: Oh I'm sorry. Is anyone coming for you?
Me: Nope. No one even knows I am here.

Doctor: So are you taking an anti-histamine?
Me: Yes I am taking Benadryl but it doesn't seem to be working.
D: Oh you didn't drive yourself here I hope - they can cause drowsiness.
Me: Nope came by bus. No car so we're ok.
D: Well we are going to give you a shot of steriods and send you home with more steriods and we'll also give you a shot of Benadryl.
Me: Mumh, ok. How long do I have to wait to see an effect and then can I go?
D: Well I don't recommend taking the bus. Would you like to use our phone to call your husband?
Me: No thanks I don't have a husband.
D: Well can we call your boyfriend then? Someone has to be able to come get you.
Me: Nope, no boyfriend either. I'm a 29 yr old widow. I guess I'll call my sister to see if she can pick me up.
D: Oh. I'm sorry. Let us know if you need a taxi chit in case no one can get you.
Me: Ok thanks.

I miss that. I miss calling Tim knowing he would be there in the blink of an eye to resuce, save, or help me. I miss knowing that there was one person in the world who always wanted to be by your side taking care of you. I miss having someone hold my hand when I am worried about the rash growing all over me, and telling me it's going to be ok. I miss lying my head on his chest so I could melt away my fears and be safe in his arms. I miss being the couple we were. I miss him so very much. I miss knowing that I always had someone to call. I miss knowing he'd always be there.

Hospitals are lonely places. I know that because of when Tim was sick in 2006 & 2007 and I spent a full week there each time, leaving only for an hour each day to shower. They are not places you want to be alone. But I am alone. Sure there are tons of family and friends around, but there is no one to pick up all the things Tim was for me. There is no one who can replace who he was to me. And as I sat there yesterday, he just kept flooding my mind. As I looked around at all the families and couples (young and old) I became more and more sad with the notion that I am no longer one of these pairs. I don't have another half - he died and took most of me with him. I no longer have a partner in life. I just have me.

Being alone - not sure it is something I will ever get used to. It seems as if the world was made for pairs and I will never understand why mine was taken away so soon. I found in Tim my perfect partner, my life mate, my love, my best friend, and the person I wanted to wake up to every moring until I died.

Why, when I found all that, was it taken away? I will never quite understand.